Season One, Episode 13: “Fecund Hand Rose”
written by Alan Rachins
directed by Gregory Hoblit
original airdate: March 26, 1981
“Previously on Hill Street Blues…”
Roll Call: Wow, item 15 to start? No wonder the episode starts so late. Item 15, literally, is Phil yelling at Renko to wake up. That’s how long roll call’s been going. Item 16 regards the city attorney getting mad about cops recommending specific bail bondsmen. The final item is Phil thanking everyone who attended his bachelor party the previous evening, which got completely out of hand… and his hope that everyone will attend his wedding that night. As roll call breaks up, Ray comes downstairs and announced there’s a huge gang fight in the projects in Jefferson Heights precinct, and they’ve requested assistance. The officers roll out doubletime, and we roll credits at normal speed…
Frank arrives to the news, including three kids DOA and a bunch more wounded. He coordinates with Jefferson Heights on barricades and asks if they want EAT on scene, which immediately causes panic. Not on the show, in my chair. Grace Gardner wanders in wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses, causing heads to turn; Frank decamps to his office to take a call from Swanson.
Grace makes her way to Phil, who says hello; Grace responds with “Don’t you mean goodbye?” Seems there’s some angst here. She doesn’t want to make a scene, though, so she’ll be back at 12:30, down in roll call. She basically commands Phil to be there as she traipses off.
We didn’t see what was up with Swanson’s phone call to Frank, but now we find out what’s up. Frank and Ray charge into a hotel and run into Walsh, who directs them upstairs to meet with Swanson. There, Swanson introduces Frank to assistant D.A. Skip Fitzgerald, who attentive readers will recognize as “that guy Joyce is always teasingly threatening Frank with”. Frank handles it with aplomb, don’t worry. What he handles with less grace is the appearance of former Detective MacAfee.
Turns out MacAfee’s going to avoid a trip to prison (where the inmates would almost certainly kill him) and get himself a new identity by rolling over on some serious mob heavyweights. And since MacAfee is dead certain that if someone’s going to try and kill him before the he’s done testifying it will be an inside job with another crooked cop, he wants his protection handled by the one guy he knows isn’t purchasable: Frank Furillo. And he wants Frank to provide 15 guys per shift to protect his sorry hide. No, Frank’s not happy.
Henry calls, and we cut back to the station where he’s giving Frank an update on the overflow from Jefferson Heights. Lucy nudges him to tell Frank that Belker caught the cat burglar, one Mr. Heidel — who is entertaining the entire squad with tales of what and how a particular alleged burglar may have done lots of things. Joyce arrives with Phil to break up the party, as she’s Heidel’s attorney. Turns out Mick saw Heidel swallow the loot… and Bates arrives with some KFC to help Heidel, um, provide some evidence. Later.
Frank’s back at the hill, briefing folks down in roll call regarding their MacAfee duties. Neal and J.D. exit the locker room right in the middle of this, which is a small problem. Bobby and Andy present another: Phil’s wedding, and the impact this duty is going to have on it. Frank points out that Jefferson Heights owes them for the morning mess, and has Henry work out the details. On his way out, J.D. offers his “assistance”, which Frank wisely declines.
Next, we’re back in the hotel room for a pretty lengthy scene between MacAfee and Ray, most of which is just exposition to demonstrate how pathetic and paranoid MacAfee is now that he’s been disgraced. And them MacAfee, claiming he smells gas, steps out into the suite and tries to buddy-up with the crew (including Henry, Bobby, and Andy). It doesn’t go well, and MacAfee realizes the guys protecting him hate him, too.
At the station, Frank and Joyce spar over Heidel and the x-rays, while Mick’s patiently waiting for… things to… pass. Joyce won’t even let her client drink coffee, knowing that would accelerate the process. Meanwhile, Mick’s sort of bonding with his collar, having an interesting philosophical discussion with Heidel, mentioning he’s meeting with Debbie Kaplan tonight (for the first time since their awkward breakup).
At the hotel, MacAfee’s paranoia is in overdrive. He starts trashing his room, eventually finding a dead rat and screaming that he was right, they’re trying to poison him. Fitting. Cut to the street, where Frank arrives, and enters the lobby… which is full of press. Oh boy. They’re trying to get MacAfee out a back entrance when shots ring out. Nobody’s hit — and with Frank, Henry, and Bobby in the alley, that’s good — but it looks like MacAfee had a heart attack.
At the hospital, Frank corners Fitzgerald and all but accuses him of setting up the whole thing: the press leak and the gunshots. Frank’s absolutely convinced. Fitzgerald logically denies it, but Frank keeps chewing. He’s hot, because he’s not going to tolerate his men being used as props for Fitzgerald’s career. As Frank departs, Skip looks a little constipated.
It’s time for Phil’s appointed meeting with Grace. He descends the stairs, and they talk. Obviously, Grace doesn’t want him to get married. Or, at the very least, she still wants Phil to carry on with her despite. She’s pouring it on, talking dirtyish, and when Phil finally orders her out, she says okay. “Just be sure to remember this,” she says, opening the trenchcoat.
Henry arrives back at the shack, and mildly vents his spleen to Leo. Turns out that’s the first time Henry’s been involved in a shooting. Then he’s on the phone, threatening someone over the absence of the television that everyone got together to buy Phil as a wedding present. Then he goes to the locker room, heists Leo’s bottle of peppermint schnapps, and runs into a hyperventilating Phil complete with paper bag. They share a drink, and Henry asks Phil if he’s sure. Phil says he is; “Cindy’s young, she’s fecund…”
Upstairs, Mick brings Heidel to Joyce, informing her that he’s ready. He offers to let her observe — rules of evidence and all — but for some reason Joyce declines. And then we go to commercial.
After the break, we’re at Phil’s wedding. Neal arrives with his girlfriend Jill, and J.D. immediately cadges the keys to Neal’s bad porno conversion van to go “show” his date. Howard arrives and runs into Henry who twits Hunter by pointing out they’re wearing the same suit jacket. Lucy arrives with her date; she’s got a good three inches on him. Ray arrives with his wife, Rosa. Ray’s mad at Henry about the television.
In the groomroom, Ray and Leo arrive to tell Phil that they finally found J.D. — but he forgot the ring. We meet Cindy’s dad, Mister Spooner, who’s angry about spending $9k on a wedding that’s about to get ruined. But here’s Mick to save the day with a replacement ring. Wait. Is that an evidence tag?
The processional commences, and we finally get our first glimpse of Cindy Spooner. And we also get a glimpse of Grace, who suddenly arrives. Debbie Kaplan’s also there, joining Mick, and she immediately starts molesting the poor guy right next to Frank.
In sight of Phil, Grace takes off her shawl. She’s adequately dressed, but barely. Some of the guests have taken notice. The minister is giving Phil his vows. After asking if Phil takes Cindy as his wife, there’s a long, long pause.
And then Phil passes out.
Frank and Joyce are in a hotel bed, but still dressed — you know, the “we’ve been drinking and we’re exhausted” flop. Frank’s given Phil two weeks off to go “contemplate”. Frank brings up marriage, which sets off a fight, but Frank defuses it with jokes and well you know what happens next even if the screen’s gone black.
Look, Pizza Man: Joyce strenuously defends the civil rights of her burgling client, suggesting to Frank that x-rays are a violation of same and doing everything she can to keep Heidel from needing to, um, go.
Would You Prefer Internal Injuries?: “You saying this ring is hot?” Mick, responding deadpan to Daddy Spooner’s question: “No, more like body temperature.”
I’m Unarmed: “No one loses a 21-inch t.v. set, my man.” Henry, getting hostile over the missing wedding present.
My Car!: “Tell you what I’ll do, I’ll bring in LaRue for you.” Bobby drives the dagger right into MacAfee’s back as the former cop is trying to get his protectors to treat him like a human rather than garbage.
Judas Priest!: Howard’s only line this episode, literally, is “Henry.”
Mano a Mano: Lucy spends an inordinate amount of time this episode on the phone, trying to line up a date to Phil’s wedding. And the only thing she seems to care about is this: “How tall is he?” (A reasonable question from a six-foot-tall woman.)
I’m Good For It: “Excuse me, captain, I tell ya, I wouldn’t mind lending a hand on this one. You know, why don’t you just put me in a room alone with MacAfee for his own safety.” J.D. laying the snark on thick to Furillo.
What’s Up, Lover?: Neal’s pretty quiet this hour, mostly just serving as J.D.’s shadow.
Not Now, Fay: “Eighteen? I have boots older than her!” Almost Fay’s only line.
Central Booking: Regular guests Barbara Babcock and Robert Hirschfeld are on hand, respectively, as Grace Gardner and Leo Schnitz. It’s Babcock’s final appearance of the season, but she’ll be back in the season two opener. It’s also the final appearance of George Dickerson as (now) Deputy Chief Swanson, as well as the second and last appearance of Philip G. Schultz as Harvey.
Two actors make their final appearances in their current roles, but both will be back later: Gela Nash (still as Gela Jacobson) exits as Debbie Kaplan; she’ll return midway through the final season. It’s also Dan Hedaya‘s final turn as the disgraced MacAfee; his next visit under a new disguise will be midway through season five.
Lynn Whitfield is back as Neal’s girlfriend Jill Thomas; she’ll make one more appearance in the season two episode “Chipped Beef”. John Brandon also returns as Detective Walsh, who we won’t see again until the late season two episode “The Young, the Beautiful, and the Degraded”. Irene DeBari makes the first of two appearances as Rosa Calletano, Ray’s wife. She’ll be back in the middle of season three.
Three characters who we’ve heard of but haven’t seen make their first and only on-screen appearances this episode. Thomas Calloway, perhaps best known as Texas Joe Grant in Young Guns, finally puts a face to Skip Fitzgerald. Lisa Lindgren plays the heretofore unseen Cindy Spooner; her father is played by veteran Allen Case, well-known as Clay McCord in the 1959-61 series The Deputy and as Frank James in the mid-60s series The Legend of Jesse James. A fourth one-shot appearance was made by Peter White, who has been all over your television in minor roles forever, played the minister.
The big gun this episode, however, is Michael Tucker, who played Mr. Heidel. That would be the only appearance for that character, but Tucker would return to begin season five in “Mayo, Hold the Pickle” as Gabe Fimpel. Tucker, of course, would later go on to co-star with his wife, Jill Eikenberry, as Stuart Markowitz in L.A. Law.
Rap Sheet: Alan Rachins, the episode’s writer, is much more well-known as an actor. He, like Tucker, was a main cast member on L.A. Law as Douglas Brackman; he later also racked up over 100 episodes as Larry Finkelstein on Dharma and Greg. This was his only writing credit on the Hill.
Gregory Hoblit, who wrote “Life, Death, Eternity” two episodes back, directs his first episode of Hill Street; he’ll take the chair 13 more times. As we mentioned in the LDE recap, he also served as executive producer of the show during seasons 3-5.
Verdict: First observation: there is a lot of interaction between Mick and Joyce this episode, which we haven’t had the chance to see yet. It’s an interesting dynamic, as Joyce is openly… well, not hostile, but disdainful, even as she recognizes Mick’s trying to go by the book. Mick, meanwhile, is exceptionally respectful toward the public defender, trying to accommodate her demands as best as he can.
Regarding the second Phil and Grace scene, if you’re paying close attention you’ll notice it ahead of time. In her first scene, her clothing can clearly be seen at her collarbone under the trenchcoat. In the payoff, it’s not there.
We find out that Cindy was offered a scholarship to Texas A&M to play basketball, which is a bit jarring since it’s still 1981, a year before the NCAA finally caved in and started sponsoring women’s sports. I confess, I’m not sure whether schools were really offering scholarships to women at this point, but I can tell you that if Cindy had gone to A&M she would have been, as a freshman, part of a team which played in the very first NCAA women’s basketball tournament.
Ultimately, as one can surmise just by following the recurring role and guest-star pattern of this episode, this is a one-shot hour which sews up some loose threads from the first dozen episodes in preparation for the season’s big finale, a pair of two-hour episodes. In some ways, it’s almost as if it were just an excuse to finally get some people on screen for the first time and then show them the door; the MacAfee storyline is really more about Furillo’s suspicions, and the wedding story is more about… well, frankly, it’s more about getting rid of a really bad idea.
We’ve discussed before how creepy the whole Phil & Cindy thing is, and this episode ultimately drives it home while trying to throw a lampshade on it. There’s one looming thought that you just can’t shake when watching the scene with Cindy’s dad:
YOU PAID NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS SO AN OLD BALDING COP COULD MARRY YOUR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER?
One gets the impression that Cindy was created as a bad joke, and then someone decided the story had to be played out to its conclusion. Better to have just had Phil break things off with her off-camera way back in episode two, but they just had to keep coming back to the well (largely for gag scenes where Phil’s discussing his love life with Fay). It was a bad idea, and it was a disservice to the show.
Still, if you’re of the “it doesn’t have to be acceptable to be funny” persuasion, then this episode works pretty well as a climax to the storyline.
As for Furillo vs. Fitzgerald, just how much of Frank’s suspicion is seeded in his inherent dislike for the D.A. based on Joyce taunting him repeatedly over the first dozen installments? Probably a lot, I’m guessing. Unfortunately, we never really get a follow-up on this, and Fitzgerald never appears again. But we can’t grade the scene on what doesn’t happen in the future, so we’ll take it at face value; if that scene had set the stage for a longer arc, it would have been pretty great.
Final score: 7 as an individual episode without context; only a 5 within the larger tapestry. At least Phil won’t be creepy anymore.
Next Week: “Rites of Spring (Parts One and Two)”: The Hill gets a new regular cast member. We’re treating both parts as one episode, because they aired together; the same was and will be true for the following 2-hour block, “Jungle Madness (Parts One and Two)”.
